Support For Polyamory Community

Untitled-1Share your thoughts here!

Hey, Jill here, Thank you all for your support since I started my blog! I have been overwhelmed by the love out there.

I get a lot of emails daily from all of you so thank you all for getting in touch. I’m very passionate about the polyamorous community but sometimes wish I could have more answers for you. I myself have not been poly for very long – only two years so I couldn’t possible be as qualified as some of you!

Over to you!

I understand completely that some of you need to be anonymous so I’m opening comments up on this page for you to ask any questions you like and anyone from our lovely community can answer you.

Be warm, friendly and constructive please folks.

Thanks in advance now over to you ….. (you can leave email and website bit blank and put in any name you like) 😉

Comments (22)

  1. Denice

    I’m new and exploring polymory but find it very hard to meet like minded ppl. I have tried online sites, swingers clubs are more for casual sex. Any ideas?

    Reply
  2. Bethany

    Lately, I’ve been feeling this deep need to explore a relationship with a woman. I’m married to a wonderful man who I love deeply and cannot even begin to imagine my life without him but I feel this slight emptiness without knowing the love of a woman. My husband has always told me he would be okay with me exploring a relationship with a woman but he feels unsure about me finding someone online. I guess I don’t really have a question just need some support that I’m not just being selfish and potentially ruining my family and marriage. I’m bisexual and came out when I was 13 so I also feel like I’m falling into typical societal stereotypes and hurting my LGBT community as well.

    Reply
    1. Mitch

      Hey Beth,
      To get to the point: you are not being selfish. If that were the case you would not even be concerned that you are being selfish, it wouldn’t even cross your mind. The definition of selfish is lacking thoughtfulness of other’s needs and only worrying about yourself. So you’re all clear on that.
      Wanting to have a relationship with a woman when you already have a husband isn’t selfish either. You want to see if this will make you feel happy and whole, and it definitely could. It sounds like your husband also wants you to feel happy and complete as well, even if that means you need more than one romantic partner. If he’s okay with it, and you two are speaking openly about your feelings throughout, then you shouldn’t feel guilty. If you still feel uneasy, then there’s something that you still need to be at peace with. Talking freely about it with someone on the outside could help.
      I’ve found that meeting potential partners in my own environments creates better relationships. I’m in theatre a lot, there’s always that common interest, and the rest just grows from their. I don’t know what kind of life you lead or the hobbies you have, but if that doesn’t sound possible in your current environment, maybe you should consider joining some others. However, it may be the case that you have to find someone through a friend or over the Internet. I also disagree with searching for someone at a club, but that’s just my bias.
      As for hurting the LGBT community, you’re doing the reverse. People will always judge others. It’s a simple fact. But as people are exposed to it (polyamory) more and more, they will become inquisitive as to what’s going on and come to an understanding. We probably won’t see a whole lot of acceptance in our lifetime, but you’ll be sewing the seeds for future poly people in the years to come.
      Please, continue on your journey of self-discovery and believe in yourself. Read some books on polyamory, a quick Google search will help with that. It’ll help you and your husband transition and have clear boundaries in place so that no one crosses a line. Remember, someone’s feelings being hurt isn’t the end of the world. It means that there was a problem, and problems have solutions. I wish you all the best.
      Lot’s of love, Mitch

      Reply
  3. Ian

    My gf is poly but I am not.. she just found out abt polyamourity like 3 months ago…so through our relationship I have caused so much self harm to myself that I don’t feel anything except that I want to marry her And make her happy but she just doesn’t seem happy at all with just me but it hurts me so much to know that she is with another. Any suggestions on how to make her feel happy just from a poly stand point?

    Reply
    1. Tina

      I am in the same situation and I don’t know what to do.I want her happy but I’ve got 13 year invested and I don’t know if I want to share

      Reply
  4. Angie

    I am currently in a Poly relationship with my husband and his girlfriend. I have read a few of the articles about how to make it happy for all of us. My husband and I have been married for two years and I am unable to have children, had a tubal after my youngest. He is a step-father of my four and his girlfriend found out she was pregnant a few months ago. I have had mixed feelings about this and I am happy that they are expecting, but at the same time I am jealous that she can give him something I cannot. Is this normal?

    Reply
  5. Tsukimi

    I don’t know how to come out to my parents. They only have around 15 minutes at most each day to talk to me. So, what should I do? I’m so scared they won’t accept me. I am polyfidelious. In other words, I want a triad relationship. How can I explain this to my parents to have them understand and accept me? I’m so scared whenever I think about it that I actually start shaking and hyperventilating. I’ve been this way for two years now, and I’m fifteen now, so it’s about time to tell them. I am kind of ready, but not completely. I can see the time coming though, and I want to be prepared. Help? D=

    Reply
  6. Rose

    I am a fifteen year old bisexual girl, and I’m currently dating the love of my life. We are in a long-distance relationship. She and I have both worked out that we tend to have multiple crushes on people at one time, although we still love each other. This and the fact of distance led us to make our relationship an open relationship, to where we are still only committed to each other but we can mess around with people that are near us (kissing, cuddling, sex, whatever). Just really a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I may have a crush on my best friend. Laying in bed I began daydreaming about her and I cuddling and kissing. It kind of freaked me out for a moment but now I’m just conflicted. Do I tell my girlfriend about this supposed crush? Do I tell my friend? (She knows about the open relationship and about the “multiple crushes” dynamic). I don’t want a relationship with her but I honestly wouldn’t mind her being my first kiss. Please help?

    Reply
  7. Anonomous

    Hi there, super funny story. I have been with my boyfriend almost two years. We live together. He is my best friend. I love our relationship. But recently i have become extremely attracted to other friend. Like everything about him. His laugh, his smile, when we drink we hold hands haha. And he calls me his best friend. And at one point i was gonna leave my bf for him. But i couldn’t do it. I don’t want too. I want them both honestly.
    Honestly this isn’t the first time either. Im battling this.
    I i feel like im battling myself. My friends all have only one person, and they are gonna get married and feel that wonderful love of ine person. And i feel like i will never feel that? I can never say yes! And be 110% excited. I will always have that other person in the back of my head. My mom says to just take some time for myself and figure out what i want. I dont have the strength to leave him. I dont want too. I dont know. I dont feel honest. I dont feel myself. Any words of wisdom would be nice. Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Joshua

    so, I’m dating this awesome person but for a while i’ve started to develop feelings for another boy. all of my life i have been raised in a hetero-monogamo family so… the concept of polyamory is really weird for me and i feel like a bastard because i really love my boyfriend but i also feel things for this other boy and im just… i dont really know what to do, i guess

    Reply
  9. hush-hush

    I am curious about Polyamory, I would like to know if having multiple relationships leads to more heartbreak,because if you weren’t good enough for you partners you could be rejected with twice or multiple the pain?

    Reply
  10. Mia

    I am preparing to be in a Triad Hetero relationship (married man and woman+ME, a hetero woman) I am pretty excited about it, because the wife and I were friends prior to her marrying, and her husband is a really great guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. I have a few concerns though.
    1) If the three of us are in public together, should we just be the affectionate family we are, or remain “in-the-closet” How have any of you dealt with the general judgement of the public.?

    2) How should I go about explaining my choice to my family? I want to still have a good relationship with my Biological family, but my “new” family are also very important to me as well. I know that my mom will most likely give me serious grief because in her mind it’s a “threesome” Not a RELATIONSHIP amongst 3 hetero people. Any suggestions? Should I bring my boyfriend (and his wife) with me to help explain the dynamic? Should I just broach the subject and let whatever opinion she has be just that…her opinion?

    3) Is it a good idea to have some sort of legal designation in the case of Emergency, Financial Decisions, Financial matters in general? My “husband” would want his two wives taken care of, and how does one explain in a medical setting that he has two wives?

    Sorry for the long post, but I am curious as to other’s take in the Poly community.

    Reply
  11. Z.

    I’ve only ever had monogamous relationships but (although they are serious, long lasting and deeply loving) I am someone who has always had trouble focusing on one person and I’ve often found that I form deep attachments to other people (sexually and otherwise). This has resulted in me cheating on previous partners either sexually or emotionally (ie falling for someone else even though I’m in a relationship). Is polyamorous similar to a sexual orientation in that you can be a ‘polyamorous person’? I don’t think I’m afraid of commitment, because I do want long-lasting serious relationships. I just don’t tend to feel things in “black and white”, and to me loving someone in one way does not prevent me from loving someone else sexually but in a different way. Is that polyamory? Or does the term polyamory only apply to a way of being in a relationship?

    Reply
  12. Mary

    How bout this scenario? Daughter is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression. Big thing with BPD is fear of abandonment, rejection and trouble with interpersonal relationships. Now she has found the polyamorous community you support. It might work well for self assured, centered, self confident people. But it is destroying my daughter who is only 20. Feel good about yourselves and your “relationship” openness and striving to legitimize in public opinion. But also recognize the dangers you present to vulnerable people. Don’t kid yourselves, you can have loving relationships with many people without the intense intimacies of sex. It is commitment and self control and respect for love and the act of love that is unique. Spreading it around diminishes you and your primary partner significantly and damages those you bring into your circle.

    Reply
    1. polyamorousdefinition (Post author)

      Hi Mary, I do not understand what you mean? If she has BDP then wouldn’t that affect all types of relationships? Also if your daughter found our community it may be that she is curious about poly. If she was say gay you couldn’t blame the gay community alone. Can I ask you to think about it another way? If she has fear of abandonment then being polyamorous could be a positive thing as she will be getting love from different people for various needs and not expecting one person to give her everything which is tough. I’m afraid I do not agree with you on what you say about spreading love around diminishing it. You can love two parents equally, love as many siblings as you have, love is not limited, that is the point. Feel free to read up on my blog to help yourself understand what it means to be polyamorous rather than just looking for a scapegoat. Peace. Jill.

      Reply
    2. Caro

      Borderline Personality Disorder affects all relationships the patient has, as it affects how they interact with people. Not only do they fear abandonment, they also push people away. They will engage in risky behavior, such as drug use, simply to be around others. They become belligerent toward people they love, because they have trouble relating to other people and are incredibly insecure.

      Polyamory is not threatening your daughter. Her severe psychiatric condition is what’s threatening your daughter. With proper treatment, she can become more stable and learn better relationship skills. She can get to a place where she can have healthier relationships, be they monogamous or non-monogamous.

      I have severe Bipolar II. Honestly, polyamory has helped me. It has taught me to be more accepting of myself, to trust my partners more, and to keep the lines of communication open. I used to be ferociously jealous and paranoid about being cheated on or dumped. Now I have learned to be honest with my feelings, talk things out, and accept my partners and myself for who we are.

      Reply
  13. Nicole

    I would really like more information about polyamory relationships. I’m a newbie. I’ve only been with my mates for about two months. But I’m skeptical about alot. I just don’t like having the threesome thing. But me personally I believe this isn’t for me BC I don’t like to share and to know that I’m sharing my boyfriend( even tho we’ve only been together for a year). He’s been with his girlfriend/baby’s mom(they have 3kids together but she has 1 that he also claims).
    ALSO IM ONLY 19. I’LL BE 20 THIS SUMMER. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I’M GETTING MYSELF INTO AND WHAT OBSTACLES I HAVE TO FACE WHILE IN THIS POLYAMORY RELATIONSHIP.
    P.S. ANY ADVICE OR INFORMATION WOULD BE GLADLY ACCEPTED. ALTHOUGH I’D PREFER SOMEONE EXPERIENCED AND OLDER. FROM BOTH A MALE AND FEMALE PERSPECTIVE.
    ONCE AGAIN THANKS FOR NOT JUDGING AND MAKING THIS ANY HARDER THAN IT ALREADY IS.

    Reply
    1. Nicole

      I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WOULD I BE WRONG TO LEAVE AND LET THEM HAVE A REAL FAMILY . REASON FOR ASKING IS BC HIS BABY’S MOM FEELS THE NEED TO BE COMPETITIVE WHEN IT COMES TO DOING THE “WOMAN DUTIES”( COOKING, CLEANING, TENDING TO THE KIDS,AND EVEN WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO SEX). WE’RE BOTH BI-SEXUAL,SO MY BOYFRIEND THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE GREAT FOR HER TO EXPLORE MORE. I MEAN AT FIRST I WAS ENJOYING THE EXTENDED SEX PARTNERS, BUT EVENTUALLY CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I’D RATHER HAVE ONE ON ONE TIME WITH A FEMALE OTHER THAN HER. ( I’M NOT RACIST AGAINST MY OWN RACE I JUST DON’T LIKE AFRICAN AMERICAN FEMALES.. I’D RATHER GO OUTSIDE MY RACE). AND ALSO ONE ON ONE WITH MY BOYFRIEND.
      ADVICE PLEASE.THIS IS A BIT CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING

      Reply
    2. polyamorousdefinition (Post author)

      Hi Nicole, I’m only 25 but I am experienced. I’ll post this on my blog for you so you can get some different opinions. Poly is not for everyone. I do not and will never promote poly to people who are naturally in their heart monogomous – it would be like trying to make someone gay who isn’t. You may find some useful information on this blog to help you. Peace. Jill.

      Reply
  14. Raven

    I am feeling odd.. I have always been in monogamous relationships,i am in one now. but now I find that I have feelings for multiple people and want to be with these people. Is this normal. I am very confused.

    Reply
  15. Emma

    I am new to poly. Truthfully, I am monogamous and my hubby has recently discovered he is poly. I am struggling with the foundations of how I thought and read that poly worked. I understood that open communication was a MUST. That the primary has the ability to open and close the marriage as needed. I understood that the boundaries that the primary relationship were to be set and respected and if that did not make the girlfriend happy or the other party that this was to be respected? So troubled…

    Reply
  16. A

    Hmm I don’t really know where to start or how to word this so bare with me. But I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for almost 8 years now and he has been my only partner and I truly love him but a few years ago we had his best friend move in with us at first everything was normal but after a year or so my relationship with our roommate started to grow. At first I thought nothing of it until he started dating. I got jealous and I’m not one to experience jealousy. So that when I realized I have feelings for him as well. I am absolutely in love with the idea of having them both by myside while we go on crazy adventures but I’m scarred this is unrealistic. I don’t want to lose any one or hurt anyone or mess up the relationships we already have. At the same time I have this neverending daydream of having them both in my arms. I’m scared that if stay monogamous I won’t be happy later in life but i don’t want to loose either of them or interfere with there friendship as it stands. I know it’s not must or a question or even something that can be answered but Im looking for guidance or reassurance. I not sure if I am poly and if I am how do I tell my boyfriend and roommate my true feelings.

    Reply

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